Sweepo

As I was putting him to bed tonight, I asked Will the usual question, "Who would you like to pray for tonight?" The normal response is one of his friends or grandparents, but tonight he said, "Sweepo!" I thought about the normal rules we use; no praying for toys, no talking trains or cars, and no animated vegetables. I was afraid Sweepo might fall in this last category. Rather than go over the rules again I decided to use some "enhanced interrogation techniques."

It turns out, yesterday Jennifer and Will had picked out a little Peruvian boy to sponsor through World Vision. They had looked at short descriptions of several boys deciding which to sponsor. Some listed chores as chops wood or "too young to help" another boy was described as helping his mom sweep the house. The three year old they chose is named Bruno. sweeper+Bruno=Sweepo.

Relieved he wasn't in the legume family, we prayed for Bruno.

Birthday Rodents

Last week while we were driving my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her I have a new laptop and would like a bluetooth mouse. “What!” squawked Will from the back seat. “A mouse with blue teeth?” We all laughed, a full explanation just didn’t seem worth the effort.

I’m expecting to receive some computer equipment from my parents, but I’m not sure what Will’s going to get me.

Just a little pinch between your cheek and gum

Today I heard Will announce from the other room, “Dad, I want to chew tobacco!”

What? Did he just say what I thought he said? I asked him to repeat himself for clarification.

“I want Scoop the Backhoe.” Fine, I said, he’s in the playroom.

For those lucky enough not to know, Scoop is a character in the bizarre, if not freakish, world of Bob the Builder.

BASE JUMPING

Jennifer and I have always wanted to go base jumping. Launching yourself off a cliff or tall building and pulling the chute sounded like a lot of fun. With my shoulder fixed and time off with the new baby we had the perfect opportunity. We decided to leave Will with the grandparents, he’s just a little young for this. Katy, on the other hand, is still nursing so we had to drag her along.

We found the perfect cliff and got all the necessary gear. I solved the Katy problem by using a 60 ft static line. It’s enough to get that real sense of falling, but still safe. These car seat portable baby

carriers are perfect. They already have a 5-point harness and the parachute clips right onto the handle.

The jump went great. I tossed Katy off just before Jennifer launched into a huge back flip. I had to time my jump exactly because I would need to monitor Katy in the parachute fall. She couldn’t reach the steering toggles because I strapped her in so tight. We all had perfect landings in a field not far from a stand of shade trees where Jennifer nursed Katy under a large oak.

Katherine Lucia DeWitt

Tuesday June 2 at 8:28 am we were introduced to our daughter. She was 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. Jennifer is doing great and we had a great first day together. The baby is perfectly healthy and eating and sleeping well. She doesn't understand my need for her to say something funny so I can write about it in this blog, so for now I just have to brag that she is perfect.

God blessed us tremendously yesterday, I have no right to brag. But, I can't help but be a proud father of the beautiful baby girl we call Katy.

Labor and Delivery Room - The Wrath of Khan

We're waiting for the drugs to kick in and accelerate the birth of our child. To pass the time we just watched the movie Star Trek II - The Wrath of Khan. It's not a super great movie, but it led to a great title for this post.

We hope to have a new baby in the world by morning.

7 Days of Waiting

I got a text message suggesting ways Jennifer could induce labor.

Jumping Jacks

Castor Oil

Liver Pudding

We are now 7 days past the due date and she still won’t have anything to do with the Liver Pudding. I tried to show her a picture of the package. (The one from the original Ring Liver Pudding post) I thought maybe just the image might have some effect. She saw through my plan and said before the picture materialized on the screen, “Is that the liver pudding? I don’t even want to see it. I know what it looks like, Dennis. Every time you mention it I see a pile of poop in a pan. Diarrhea in a pan. I don’t need to see a picture.” Still no baby.

It's Mars, people, Mars!

My previous post seems to be mostly misunderstood.  I took Jennifer’s most recent ultrasound and photoshopped in the famous “face on Mars”.  I took a little while to make it look good.  But I’m afraid that may have been a wasted effort.

I think most folks who read this probably reacted like I would have, they just don’t care what an ultrasound picture shows.  Also, since most of us don’t see these things very often, it wasn’t as instantly recognizable as a fake as I’d hoped.

When I got ready to post the altered photo, I showed it to the proud mother who instantly recognized it for what it was, a doctored ultrasound with a picture of the face on Mars.  I guess my test subject was both too familiar with her baby and sci-fi movies about Mars.  I need to better align my focus groups with my target audience.

10 Days and Counting

Lots of people like to show off the images from the ultrasound.  To me, the all look like pictures only a mother could love.  Jennifer had another ultrasound today, this one is different.  It's one any sci-fi fan could love! 

We haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl.  I'm going to post a Boy or Girl survey so we can find out what folks think we are having.

By the way, I do have the mother's approval for this post.

Elephant Pancakes

For years we've had these jungle print plates.  It only seemed right that the pancakes be appropriate for the setting.  I didn't think to take a picture of the the first pancake.  It was a great looking rhinoceros, or a bad attempt at the elephant.   The third elephant had a much better looking trunk but the body proportions were all wrong. (pictured on the griddle)

It was sure good to see our plates with the animals they deserve. 

Fortunately, we had new carpet installed last week so we found the long lost camera (just in time for the new baby).

Surveys

I recently filled out a survey intended to identify my personality, spiritual gifts, and passion. My views of these surveys are similar to how I feel about colonoscopies. (Fortunately, I haven't had one.) If you need one, go through the ugly process and hope you get results you can live with. If not, deal with what you find.

It turns out I barely have a personality, minimal gifts, and no passion. If a guy got colonoscopy which turned up so little he'd be jumping up and down with joy, maybe not jumping for a while.

I may need a second opinion to help deal with what I found. Apparently, I am not up to the job of dealing with a problem like myself.





Note:
I was originally going to write about how personality test are like going to the dentist, but I didn't want to offend dentists. A large percentage of my readers are oral health professionals (at least 2) and it's dangerous to put off so many of your loyal followers. So I was left with the proctological exam. The problem was all of the other jokes and remarks that are so easy to make. Well, I didn't make any, but I sure expect you to thinks of some. Anyway, I don't like those personality surveys.

That's hardly cool

The X-ray technician poked her her head back in the room, “Did the doctor put screws in your shoulder?”  She had been checking the films she just took to make sure they were okay.  I was fairly sure he used screws, but since I was asleep at the time and no screws were sticking out, I said I wasn’t sure.

A few minutes later, “Oh, it’s okay.  The doctor said he used plastic screws in your shoulder.”  What!  Plastic screws!  Do they even show up on X-rays?

Well, in turns out the don’t.  The best I get is some drilled holes you can see in the clavicle.  (That’s where the plastic screws are holding the cadaver tendon in my bones.)

Good news, my shoulder’s doing as well as the doctor could hope.  Just too bad I don’t have a cool picture making me look like a cyborg.

Andy's Views

    Here is an account of a meal Andy had at Long John Silver.  

I'M BANDAGED UP PRETTY WELL. USING ALL CAPS BECAUSE I CAN'T USE MY RIGHT HAND.
IT'S A COOL HIGH TECH SLING ON MY ARM AND A ICE PACK ON MY SHOULDER. THE PACK IS HOKED UP TO AN ICE FILLED COOLER AND CIRCULATES ICE WATER.
SO FAR RECOVERY IS GOING WELL.
THE STRANGEST PART WAS THE NERVE BLOCK IN MY SHOULDER AND ARM. I'LL TRY TO GET SOME XRAYS OR SOMETHING.
IT TAKES WAY TO LONG TO TYPE WITH JUST LEFT HAND SO THAT'S ALL.
ALL INCOHERENCE SHOULD BE BLAMED ON THE MEDS.

If Lance and Bear can do it..

These are the shoulder injuries of Lance Armstrong and Bear Grylls.  (I couldn't find any of Matt Lauer's shoulder, he must have more controlling PR people.)  Mine is not quite as bad but I'll try to get some pre and post op pictures.  Surgery next week.

Last September during the 6 day power outage I was simply riding down a hill very fast when I was no longer on the bicycle and entering the woods.  The ER treated the shoulder separation but not the road rash or the tree-impact lacerations, not sure why.  We managed to clean those up later that night by the light of oil lamps using water warmed outside on the gas grill.  The poison ivy didn't start until several days later.

I'm going to have a few new parts surgically inserted where ligaments used to be.  If you have any spare ligaments or tendons, let me know.  Otherwise they are coming from dead people - you never know where those connective tissues have been.

Six weeks in a sling leaves me one day to recover before our new baby's due date.  Plenty of time.

How My Parents Met

My mother, a regular contributor to the Chicken Soup the the Soul series, recently submitted a story about how she met my dad. I’ve heard various iterations of the story for the last 40 years so I thought I’d give my version.

My dad (who depending on the version, either dated anyone or couldn’t get a date at all) called a local sorority house looking for a date. My mom answered the phone. “Is Julie there?” She wasn’t. “Is Pattie there?” She wasn’t. “Is Sandy there?” No. “How about Kim...Becky...Susan?” None of them were home. My mom apparently was the only non-social member of the girls social society.

So my dad asked, “Do you want to go on a date?” My mom said, “Sure, why not.” So they met, found out each others names, went on a date, sat on a big anchor, and got married.

My mom’s version is much more Chicken Soup.

A second helping of Liver Pudding

Just like the actual product, I had to go back to this story for more.

I asked the lady who stocks the meat department at the grocery store, "Do you sell much of that liver pudding?"  She says they sell a lot of it, but mostly to "the older people, they love it. They grew up with it, you know." 

I explained I had purchased some to find out what it is.  She says most of the folks put it on crackers or eat it in their scrambled eggs.  I was real close with the fried eggs on the first try an the toast on the second.

I guess I'm a natural when it comes to mysterious meat products.

Dangerous Book

Here is one of my favorite stories from the book my brothers and I just gave to our parents chronicling the events of our childhood.

How to Blow Stuff Up     

 

Step one: Find a container. 

  

a.   A yogurt cup is the best container for holding dangerous chemicals 

  i.  They usually come with a lid to keep everything safe    

  ii. They are not big enough to make things too dangerous, you're not going to do anything dangerous anyway. 

b. Paper cups tend to crush too easily and often don’t have lids 

c.  Styrofoam cups will melt when things like gas are put in them 

   

Step two:  Collect the explosives. 

 

a.   You can go around the house and find everything that says “Danger" or "Flammable” on it. Take a sample of it and put some in the cup. 

b.   You should include at least one whole or unwrapped firecracker or a disassembled rocket engine to make sure the device works.  

c.   Keep it dry. 

  i.  Be careful not to put too much stuff from a spray can in the mix.   

  ii.  It will cause the rocket engine to get wet and burn slower. 

  iii. Spray cans labeled “flammable” are often only flammable if you light them while you are spraying them out of the can. 

Step three:  Create a fuse. 

a.    Firecracker fuses don’t work well on this type of device, they only seem to be good for firecrackers.   

b.    Don’t use a firecracker to light your yogurt cup bomb, it will  just light the firecracker and blow all the other stuff all over. 

c.    String won’t work, unless it is the string you take out of a candle. So use a candle wick. 

d.   Once you have selected the perfect fuse, put the fuse into the cup.  Punch a hole in the lid or just take the lid off once the 

cup is where you’re going to light it. 

  

  

Step four: Find a safe place and blow it up. 

  

a.  Your room is not a good spot for this.         

b.  A dump site for demolished houses is a great location.  

   i.  It is out of site from adults  

   ii. It has plenty of junk to hide behind 

c.   Light the fuse and run to a safe distance of at least six feet. 

d.  Be careful when running away from the lit device because a construction dump may have lots of broken windows and boards with nails sticking out of them. 

e.  Watch in shock and awe as the rocket engine and firecrackers light off and the other junk slowly burns and melts the yogurt 

cup. 

***NOW THAT YOU'VE READ THIS, YOU'RE PROBABLY ON AN FBI WATCH LIST***

Why was Tony Dungy an Egg

Tonight while I was making dinner I heard Will ask from the living room, "Why was Tony Dungy an egg?"  What?  "Why was Tony Dungy an egg?"  I asked him what he was talking about but he simply repeated the same question.

I asked him where he saw Tony Dungy as an egg.  He replied "He fell off the wall and broke." 

"No, that's Humpty Dumpty."  

Turns out, I think it would have been easier to to explain why Tony Dungy was an egg.

Ring Liver Pudding

I've seen this sausage looking thing in the meat section for years now and curiosity finally drove me to purchase Ring Liver Pudding. I had no idea what it was other than some fairly typical pork parts type ingredients. I asked the cashier if she knew what it was. She didn't, and she had never seen anybody buy it.
I didn't take this as a good sign, still I had to find out. The internet was not a lot of help. Apparently those who make and eat Ring Liver Pudding keep their recipes on paper. I don't think they use the internet, I'm not even sure they use electricity.
It looks like a fat sausage so I cooked it like one, but it melted into a sick looking mush in the pan. Jennifer was grossed out and said it looked like "cat puke". I agreed it looked unappetizing but I spooned it onto a plate beside my eggs and had a go at it.
It tasted like a pork liver paste kind of thing. I had it at a second meal because I had bought a whole pound of this stuff and couldn't let it all go to waste. Again, the most troubling part was the appearance. I put it on toast this time and it was like a hot greasy braunschweiger sandwich which again tasted okay but looked like I had emptied a dirty diaper on some whole wheat.

Curiosity satiated, I'll let the rest go to waste.

After sledding down the hill this morning we went walking through the woods in our first few inches of snow.  We saw rabbit tracks and cat tracks and, of course, toddler tracks.  

Will sat down in the woods to rest and when he got up said "Look, my bottom print!"  He promptly plopped back down to make a new one.

I thought for a moment then decided - no, bottom prints don't make good pictures.  "Hey Will, do you know what a snow angle is?"

I showed him one, then he was all about the "angle prints".  He wanted to come back to the house to "show Mom how to make angle prints."

They made them together.

Frozen waterfall

A little over a half mile hike through the woods from our house gets you to a little waterfall.  The stream usually is not that large, but after wet weather and then a hard freeze it looks pretty neat.  It was 9 deg F today when we walked to the falls.

Will really enjoys hiking in the woods and this is the first time he's made it to the falls.  I think winter hiking is easier for him because all the padding softens all the falls and thorny vines.

He wanted to bring the ice home.  I told him we had plenty at home.  His sandbox cover has turned into a tiny skating rink .

Christmas in TEXAS

How many of you went out to dinner the night after Christmas and saw a cowboy and his son at the table next to you wearing spurs?   

We had a great Christmas in the Lone Star State where temperatures on one day are around freezing and the next in the 70's.  I thought this was really Texan until I went to South Bend, Indiana and found they had almost the same thing!

We had great Mexican food in Texas.  Then I went to Lansing, Michigan and had a great dinner at a Mexican restaurant.  

I was beginning to wonder what was so special about Texas and I remembered... The Spurs!  

Go! Spurs! Go!

Sorry Fans

I got this email today.  Problem solved.

Dennis,
 
I got a little sad this morning when I was checking your DenVent blog and found no new entries since November 29!
 
You know, I'm one of your big fans. I check your blog regularly. It's one of my only sources for news and information in the world that I live in -- you just can't trust the left wing media you know and other blog sites are so twisted that they're agendas rule the blogospherre.  Your blog is always accurate, so it's all I read.
 
Andy
 
PS Happy New Year.